Friday, July 25, 2014

Gender Let Down During Pregnancy

Gender Let Down

Yes, when I found out I was having a boy at 12 weeks I was devistated.  I said nothing for the rest of the ultrasound appointment, didn't speak to my husband on the way out, hopped in the car and drove home crying my eyes out.  Of course it would be a boy because I wanted a girl so badly.  And even worse my husband felt as though I had a totally irrational reaction to it.  Let's just add to it, I felt like a horrible person for not wanting what was growing inside of me just because it was a boy.  It's not his fault, he didn't ask to be brought in to this world.  I'm supposed to be his protector and yet wanted nothing to do with him anymore.  Yes, that's how I felt.  That is my truth.  I won't hide it.  And I cried whenever I was asked about the sex because I was so upset about it and cried even harder because I felt guilty for having these horrible feelings about my baby. 

I read articles that said it would take time, my feelings were normal and if I couldn't get a grip to go speak with someone.  I then explained to my husband all the reasons I wanted a little girl and they were based off of my childhood with the mother daughter bonding, dressing up, make-up, pageants, doing hair, modeling, horseback riding and gymnastics.  The way I looked at my mom while she got ready to go out.  I wouldn't have any of that with a boy.  The view I had on parenting went out the window.  I felt empty handed.  I had to find a new view, a new way of doing things.  To think of it, growing up I don't have a clue how my mother and brother bonded.

It took me a month to get a grip on my feelings and stop crying everytime I thought about the fact that the baby is a boy.  My cousins assured me that it would be okay, all their boys are loving, it helped that nobody ever judged me and that I would find our way of bonding easier than I thought I would.  My friend got me started on picking names.  I immediately gravitated towards Gabriel Ethan.  I remember my husband not liking Gabriel and me having a meltdown telling him that I've had no control over my body, my mind or the sex of this baby, the name choice would be MINE!  He easily gave in on that one.  I decided on nursery colors, made myself happy with that even though I spent a small fortune for linens and decor, then the clothes.  I had no clue where to look or how to dress a boy until I came across Carter's.  It was another eye opener for me, this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought it would.  I quickly got a grip on boy's clothing.  I started to pull myself out of it.  I took it day by day and eventually got over the gender let down.

Pregnancy - Not My Cup of Tea

I have to be honest and say that no, pregnancy has not been a beautiful thing for me.  No, I do not think that having a human growing inside of you is super magical and all pixie dust and faries.  That is just my truth for this experience.

I felt as though I've been mislead through life thinking that pregnancy was supposed to be this great and wonderful thing.  Nobody ever spoke of being super sick, swelling, limited range of motion, unable to control your gas (yes I said it), hardly able to eat, horrid heart burn, and the dignity that you'll lose through the entire process.  Nobody discusses the potential depression you'll experience or the let down over finding out your child is not the sex you wanted him or her to be.  I feel like once any of these things happen to you you feel ashamed to let anyone know how you are truly feeling.  You feel guilty for feeling some sort of way about the life growing inside of you.  How are you supposed to share these feelings with a world that says this is supposed to be the greatest 40 weeks of your life?  Your husband is able to see a clear change in you and yet explaining it to him is easier said than done.

This all happened to me.  I began speaking with my friends who thankfully had some, not all, of the same feelings that I was having during pregnancy.  This made me feel so much better.  I then hopped on the internet and began to google all the feelings I was having.  THANK GOODNESS I was not alone.  The light bulb came on and I was happy to feel normal. Not like some horrible soon to be mom.  Reading these blogs and forums helped me to deal with my feelings, how to talk through them and what to do to help myself get over it. Mostly some of these things would just take time.  I easily recognized the depression that was setting in day by day and tried to keep a grip on myself since I noticed it.  It was hard becuase for my first about 20 weeks I had no energy, couldn't do anything for myself and didn't even have enough energy to complete simple projects.  I wasn't myself anymore.  My focus was off, I was in a cloud, remembering things like I had before was impossible and remembering I'd created a list was even worse.  My husband looked at me like, how is this possible? I just couln't function like my normal self anymore.  It was depressing because I'm such an independent person and now had to rely on my husband to do everything for me.  I remember breaking down because he had to wash my laundry.  Let me not forget the fact that I was doing great in the gym and I couldn't even go anymore. My energy level was so poor I was scared to do anything alone, not even grocery shop. I remember almost passing out during check out.  After that I didn't go anywhere without my husband.  The everyday burdens of life were soley on his shoulders.  I'm grateful that he was up for the task and has taken great care of me, our home and even the cat all this time. 

At 39.5 weeks my major issue is being super impatient in getting this kid out.  This body snatcher that has taken over my life all this time.  This thing that is in constant motion inside of me, the one that rings the bell when he's hungry or sends it back when it doesn't agree with him. Oh how much fun this has been. My body is growing tired and weak as the days pass.  It's amazing how much energy and strength women muster up in order to push their baby out in to the world.  I will be honest, the ultrasounds have been amazing, being able to see how much he has grown and just what he looks like.  But none of that will compare to meeting this little one in person.  Soon baby Gabriel, soon.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

38-39.5 Weeks- Emotions are Running High

I returned to my doctor's office last week for my 38 week visit with an attitude that it was a great waste of my life to even show up.  The night before I'd set up in my mind that I was not going to go so that I could hear more bad news that I'm no closer to delivering the body snatcher inside of me.  Instead I woke up that moring and decided to go.  What else was I going to do with my day?

At this point in pregnancy you get used to checking in, getting weighed, blood pressure being taken and then asked everytime to pee in a cup.  No biggie, off to the bathroom I go.  What happens?  I pee in the cup, wipe, and behold.....my mucus plug!  I got super excited! Certianly that has come out, I must be significantly dilated and OMG labor must be on it's way right?!?!?!  WRONG! Once again! 

I head in to my doctor only to be told i'm hardly dilated and it means nothing.  JOY!  Once again I'm super shot down feeling like this is never going to happen.  Even though at this visit I'm informed that I'm having contractions that I'm not feeling.   Start of contractions?! Plug gone?!  And yet it means nothing?  My emotions are certainly being toyed with.  He made sure to let me know that these are nothing but fake contractions getting my body prepared for childbirth.....at some point down the line....whenever that may be....sigh.

That appointment was on a Thursday and I went the rest of the weekend without being aware of the contractions unless I was touching my belly and could feel it harden because they were not hurting at all.  Sunday arrives and I'm having some discomfort with things, trouble walking because I'm certain at any moment my pelvis is goin to split in half, and at times a little back pain.  I spent most of my day in and out of the stores getting errands and last min baby things finished.   I layed down that night at bed time only to shoot up at 10:30pm with cramping, pain, contractions, sick, running to the bathroom and thinking wtf is going on?!  I calmed down, took a shower, and put my aunt and husband on alert. I then sat up the next few hours counting contractions, the ones that still didn't hurt, until they were pretty consistent with every 4min 30 seconds.  At 1:30 am we're loaded up and headed to labor and delivery with me banking on being sent back home.

OF COURSE I WAS SENT HOME!  Why wouldn't I be?  How incomplete would this series of events be if it wasn't another opportunity for my emotions to be played with like a cat playing with a poor insect before eventually killing it, but not before pulling all of it's legs off?  I was hooked up to monitors, had an ultrasound, and then a physical.  Nothing!  Contractions have stopped, physical revelaed nothing, baby is fine and plenty of fluid still around him.  Back home we go after hours wasted.  Hit the bed at 5am and up for work at 9:30am- 4.5 hours later. 

39 Weeks Check Up

I worked my normal work week and left early the last day of my shift becuase I was having trouble walking with a few of the contractions because they were causing "back labor".  These were then 13mins apart for a while.  I get home and they virtually stop.  

I walk in for my doctor appointment this morning and NOTHING! I promise you my cervix has managed to super glue itself closed again!  At this point I'm emotionally devistated.  I started to cry right in the office.  I didn't want to hear any of it.  I then asked what could I do to help this along?  Could I please be induced?  Anything?!  I was told nothing would be done until I was 41 weeks pregnant.  That is then when they would, "...throw in the towel".  Until then I would have to deal with running to the bathroom twice an hour in the night now, burning hips, and the ever increasing pelvic pain that is now causing me to take baby steps because any stride longer that that made the pain worse.  I would swear to you at the point if i took a larger stride my leg would certainly just dislocate and fall off.  Either way I had to come back again in a week.  A week?  For more bad news?  To endure this emotional abuse? HA!  And I stormed out in tears without another appointment.

What do I do now??

Prepare for the baby? Mani Pedi? Go some place?  Yeah right!  I have all the baby things finished, I just had a mani pedi and walking is just painful.  My options are limited.  In fact after writing this that'll be even less things I'm able to do.  Sigh.....I guess they'll see my face at work on Monday.



37 Weeks - My emotional attachment to being dilated

My Emotional Attachment to Being Dilated - According to my doctor.

I went in for my 37 week check up and was hoping since I was only 3 weeks away from being due that surely there must be some sort of change happening in there bringing me ever so close to delivering this baby!  TMI alert - I was having lots more fluid happening and thought I could have possibly had some sort of partial rupture and knew that the fluid could be tested.  

BOY WAS I EVER WRONG! - Fluid was not from a rupture and I was NOT dilated at all!  I was super upset and the not so nice words started to fly until my doctor stopped me.  He then told me, "You know what it is? It's your emotional attachment to being dilated."  He then explained the plain truth about the situation.  The fact is I could have been 4cm dilated and it wouldn't have mattered at all becuase I was not in active labor and I could stay that way for weeks. So emotionally would I have been even more wrecked finding that out? I could go home that night, cervix super glued shut as it was, and suddenly go in to active labor.   He was right.  What was I to do except for except the facts, suck it up, and move on with my life impatiently awaiting my due date.

At this point I'm tired of the leaking faucet I have going on, tired of not sleeping because I have to run to the bathroom every hour if not more fequently during the night.  I'm still working and at this point if I must get on the floor with an animal, getting up is not only very difficult but painful.  My swelling has increased, my joints are hurting, and I'm suddenly unable to wear my wedding rings due to the fluid retention.   When I sleep my hips and muscles burn like fire causing me to roll every hour.  Makes me feel like a chicken rotating her eggs every so often so they are cooked evenly on all sides.  All I can say at this point is, I'm tired and OVER IT ALREADY!