Gender Let Down
Yes, when I found out I was having a boy at 12 weeks I was devistated. I said nothing for the rest of the ultrasound appointment, didn't speak to my husband on the way out, hopped in the car and drove home crying my eyes out. Of course it would be a boy because I wanted a girl so badly. And even worse my husband felt as though I had a totally irrational reaction to it. Let's just add to it, I felt like a horrible person for not wanting what was growing inside of me just because it was a boy. It's not his fault, he didn't ask to be brought in to this world. I'm supposed to be his protector and yet wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Yes, that's how I felt. That is my truth. I won't hide it. And I cried whenever I was asked about the sex because I was so upset about it and cried even harder because I felt guilty for having these horrible feelings about my baby.
I read articles that said it would take time, my feelings were normal and if I couldn't get a grip to go speak with someone. I then explained to my husband all the reasons I wanted a little girl and they were based off of my childhood with the mother daughter bonding, dressing up, make-up, pageants, doing hair, modeling, horseback riding and gymnastics. The way I looked at my mom while she got ready to go out. I wouldn't have any of that with a boy. The view I had on parenting went out the window. I felt empty handed. I had to find a new view, a new way of doing things. To think of it, growing up I don't have a clue how my mother and brother bonded.
It took me a month to get a grip on my feelings and stop crying everytime I thought about the fact that the baby is a boy. My cousins assured me that it would be okay, all their boys are loving, it helped that nobody ever judged me and that I would find our way of bonding easier than I thought I would. My friend got me started on picking names. I immediately gravitated towards Gabriel Ethan. I remember my husband not liking Gabriel and me having a meltdown telling him that I've had no control over my body, my mind or the sex of this baby, the name choice would be MINE! He easily gave in on that one. I decided on nursery colors, made myself happy with that even though I spent a small fortune for linens and decor, then the clothes. I had no clue where to look or how to dress a boy until I came across Carter's. It was another eye opener for me, this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought it would. I quickly got a grip on boy's clothing. I started to pull myself out of it. I took it day by day and eventually got over the gender let down.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, July 25, 2014
Pregnancy - Not My Cup of Tea
I have to be honest and say that no, pregnancy has not been a beautiful thing for me. No, I do not think that having a human growing inside of you is super magical and all pixie dust and faries. That is just my truth for this experience.
I felt as though I've been mislead through life thinking that pregnancy was supposed to be this great and wonderful thing. Nobody ever spoke of being super sick, swelling, limited range of motion, unable to control your gas (yes I said it), hardly able to eat, horrid heart burn, and the dignity that you'll lose through the entire process. Nobody discusses the potential depression you'll experience or the let down over finding out your child is not the sex you wanted him or her to be. I feel like once any of these things happen to you you feel ashamed to let anyone know how you are truly feeling. You feel guilty for feeling some sort of way about the life growing inside of you. How are you supposed to share these feelings with a world that says this is supposed to be the greatest 40 weeks of your life? Your husband is able to see a clear change in you and yet explaining it to him is easier said than done.
This all happened to me. I began speaking with my friends who thankfully had some, not all, of the same feelings that I was having during pregnancy. This made me feel so much better. I then hopped on the internet and began to google all the feelings I was having. THANK GOODNESS I was not alone. The light bulb came on and I was happy to feel normal. Not like some horrible soon to be mom. Reading these blogs and forums helped me to deal with my feelings, how to talk through them and what to do to help myself get over it. Mostly some of these things would just take time. I easily recognized the depression that was setting in day by day and tried to keep a grip on myself since I noticed it. It was hard becuase for my first about 20 weeks I had no energy, couldn't do anything for myself and didn't even have enough energy to complete simple projects. I wasn't myself anymore. My focus was off, I was in a cloud, remembering things like I had before was impossible and remembering I'd created a list was even worse. My husband looked at me like, how is this possible? I just couln't function like my normal self anymore. It was depressing because I'm such an independent person and now had to rely on my husband to do everything for me. I remember breaking down because he had to wash my laundry. Let me not forget the fact that I was doing great in the gym and I couldn't even go anymore. My energy level was so poor I was scared to do anything alone, not even grocery shop. I remember almost passing out during check out. After that I didn't go anywhere without my husband. The everyday burdens of life were soley on his shoulders. I'm grateful that he was up for the task and has taken great care of me, our home and even the cat all this time.
At 39.5 weeks my major issue is being super impatient in getting this kid out. This body snatcher that has taken over my life all this time. This thing that is in constant motion inside of me, the one that rings the bell when he's hungry or sends it back when it doesn't agree with him. Oh how much fun this has been. My body is growing tired and weak as the days pass. It's amazing how much energy and strength women muster up in order to push their baby out in to the world. I will be honest, the ultrasounds have been amazing, being able to see how much he has grown and just what he looks like. But none of that will compare to meeting this little one in person. Soon baby Gabriel, soon.
I felt as though I've been mislead through life thinking that pregnancy was supposed to be this great and wonderful thing. Nobody ever spoke of being super sick, swelling, limited range of motion, unable to control your gas (yes I said it), hardly able to eat, horrid heart burn, and the dignity that you'll lose through the entire process. Nobody discusses the potential depression you'll experience or the let down over finding out your child is not the sex you wanted him or her to be. I feel like once any of these things happen to you you feel ashamed to let anyone know how you are truly feeling. You feel guilty for feeling some sort of way about the life growing inside of you. How are you supposed to share these feelings with a world that says this is supposed to be the greatest 40 weeks of your life? Your husband is able to see a clear change in you and yet explaining it to him is easier said than done.
This all happened to me. I began speaking with my friends who thankfully had some, not all, of the same feelings that I was having during pregnancy. This made me feel so much better. I then hopped on the internet and began to google all the feelings I was having. THANK GOODNESS I was not alone. The light bulb came on and I was happy to feel normal. Not like some horrible soon to be mom. Reading these blogs and forums helped me to deal with my feelings, how to talk through them and what to do to help myself get over it. Mostly some of these things would just take time. I easily recognized the depression that was setting in day by day and tried to keep a grip on myself since I noticed it. It was hard becuase for my first about 20 weeks I had no energy, couldn't do anything for myself and didn't even have enough energy to complete simple projects. I wasn't myself anymore. My focus was off, I was in a cloud, remembering things like I had before was impossible and remembering I'd created a list was even worse. My husband looked at me like, how is this possible? I just couln't function like my normal self anymore. It was depressing because I'm such an independent person and now had to rely on my husband to do everything for me. I remember breaking down because he had to wash my laundry. Let me not forget the fact that I was doing great in the gym and I couldn't even go anymore. My energy level was so poor I was scared to do anything alone, not even grocery shop. I remember almost passing out during check out. After that I didn't go anywhere without my husband. The everyday burdens of life were soley on his shoulders. I'm grateful that he was up for the task and has taken great care of me, our home and even the cat all this time.
At 39.5 weeks my major issue is being super impatient in getting this kid out. This body snatcher that has taken over my life all this time. This thing that is in constant motion inside of me, the one that rings the bell when he's hungry or sends it back when it doesn't agree with him. Oh how much fun this has been. My body is growing tired and weak as the days pass. It's amazing how much energy and strength women muster up in order to push their baby out in to the world. I will be honest, the ultrasounds have been amazing, being able to see how much he has grown and just what he looks like. But none of that will compare to meeting this little one in person. Soon baby Gabriel, soon.
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