Friday, July 25, 2014

Gender Let Down During Pregnancy

Gender Let Down

Yes, when I found out I was having a boy at 12 weeks I was devistated.  I said nothing for the rest of the ultrasound appointment, didn't speak to my husband on the way out, hopped in the car and drove home crying my eyes out.  Of course it would be a boy because I wanted a girl so badly.  And even worse my husband felt as though I had a totally irrational reaction to it.  Let's just add to it, I felt like a horrible person for not wanting what was growing inside of me just because it was a boy.  It's not his fault, he didn't ask to be brought in to this world.  I'm supposed to be his protector and yet wanted nothing to do with him anymore.  Yes, that's how I felt.  That is my truth.  I won't hide it.  And I cried whenever I was asked about the sex because I was so upset about it and cried even harder because I felt guilty for having these horrible feelings about my baby. 

I read articles that said it would take time, my feelings were normal and if I couldn't get a grip to go speak with someone.  I then explained to my husband all the reasons I wanted a little girl and they were based off of my childhood with the mother daughter bonding, dressing up, make-up, pageants, doing hair, modeling, horseback riding and gymnastics.  The way I looked at my mom while she got ready to go out.  I wouldn't have any of that with a boy.  The view I had on parenting went out the window.  I felt empty handed.  I had to find a new view, a new way of doing things.  To think of it, growing up I don't have a clue how my mother and brother bonded.

It took me a month to get a grip on my feelings and stop crying everytime I thought about the fact that the baby is a boy.  My cousins assured me that it would be okay, all their boys are loving, it helped that nobody ever judged me and that I would find our way of bonding easier than I thought I would.  My friend got me started on picking names.  I immediately gravitated towards Gabriel Ethan.  I remember my husband not liking Gabriel and me having a meltdown telling him that I've had no control over my body, my mind or the sex of this baby, the name choice would be MINE!  He easily gave in on that one.  I decided on nursery colors, made myself happy with that even though I spent a small fortune for linens and decor, then the clothes.  I had no clue where to look or how to dress a boy until I came across Carter's.  It was another eye opener for me, this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought it would.  I quickly got a grip on boy's clothing.  I started to pull myself out of it.  I took it day by day and eventually got over the gender let down.

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